im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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