you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
