Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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