Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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