i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
