All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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