how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
