We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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