problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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