I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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