I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
