The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
