i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Randomize
