Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
