nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
