Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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