i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
