Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
