Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
