I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
