Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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