Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
