This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
