I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
