You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
