i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
