We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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