Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
