Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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