Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
