I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
