he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
