What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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