Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
