I checked into jail on foursquare
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
