You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
