i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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