I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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