She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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