Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
