OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
