I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
