he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
