You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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