We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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