What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
