you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
