We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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