My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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