Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
